Anger seems to be running rampant in our world today. People are angry about the economy, politics, their bosses, their co-workers, spouses and the list can go on. Anger is a common human emotion that even God expressed in the Bible. So, anger alone is not wrong. What we do with the anger can be the problem.
First, we must identify why we're angry. Anger is really a secondary emotion. Behind the anger is always a root emotion that came first. Most children know three emotions: mad, sad and glad. We can expect that from children but it seems that most adults can identify only those three emotions also! So, what are those emotions we don't recognize that can be at the root of anger? You can actually be feeling rejection, disrespect, fear, insecurity, unloved, helplessness, unsupported, unappreciated, disapproval, or humiliation just to name a few. Recognizing the root emotion can empower you to bring reason into the situation. You can "face your enemy" and talk to it. You can begin to ask yourself questions like, "Did that person mean to humiliate me?" "Why did that cause me to feel disrespected?" and "I know I feel helpless in this situation. What are the things I can actually do in this situation?" Such questions can difuse your anger and help you feel empowered and less helpless. Expressing yourself in the form of an "I message" can be very helpful. "I feel_______(disrespected, insecure, etc.) when I hear the words 'I'm done with you!'" Try to avoid the word "you" as it can be a very confrontational word.
What if it's the other person's anger that is the problem? Here are five ways to diffuse anger:
1. Become soft and tender. (A soft word turns away wrath. Prov. 15:1)
2. Understand as much as possible of what the person has endured. (Ask questions.)
3. Admit the person has been wounded. (Say, I can see that I've hurt you. Will you forgive me?)
4. Seek forgiveness and wait for a response.
5. If none of these things work, ask for a time out, a cooling down time and come back together to discuss.
Human nature can want to hang on to the anger. Sometimes, we don't want to let it go because we feel more courageous when we're angry. That kind of courage never has a good outcome. Always look toward the desired outcome. Ask youself, "When I wake up tomorrow morning, what do I wish to find with regard to this situation?" The answer to that question can avoid a poor outcome and give you much better direction as to what to say and do right now.
Finally, prayer is a great diffuser of anger. Faith and trust in God has the best outcome. God wants everyone to win in the end. Give prayer a chance and see what happens.
Loraine Coleman
Behavioral Health Paraprofessional
Vice President
Window to Healing Center, Inc.
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